Picky Picky!

Vanilla Wafers. Grape Wine. 6 months anniversary of his passing.Hiatus.

Ahhh!! LIFE what have you done to me. 

So many things to process at this time. I hope that  I can say that I have a fair enough time to think about these things and act on them soon before time runs out.  

Writing has always been a personal outlet for me and I appreciate my fingers to be able to type. Here is my little Rant!

Issue Number One:

Should I go? or Should I stay? Or should I stay then go? or should I go then come back?  Or should I go and never come back for many years to come?

 I've been back and forth with these damn questions in my head that it often make my nose bleed. Not literally but there is a beautiful young man in the back of a ice cream truck in sitting with several gallons of  Cookie Dough Ice Cream.

New York or South Korea?  I'm trying to decide. The initial plan had always been to go back to Korea and work a year or more and save up for future ventures. I'm 27 now and will turn 28 in few weeks. So I'll probably be 30 before I will begin what I ought to begin. 

In New York, I was left with an apartment that I've been living in for nearly 9 months now but I feel that I haven't took advantage of my stay here because of my indecisive nature! oh no!! I'll be in a real crap-hole if I don't make up my mind soon.

Success will only come to me once I make a decision but I keep halting it with my indecisive nature. Even the girls are asking me questions like. "Are you always this indecisive?". In my head, If I am incapable, then you make the decision. I have a crocodile of confusion attached to my face at the moment!

Issue Number Two:

People!!!  I always have issues with people. They are unreliable and can be pricks, well most of them are. Not all. 

I honestly look at myself and ask if I consider myself reliable. I've had old friends come to New York and say they were here and didn't make any attempt to meet up or anything. So Why the "F" did you tell me you were here? So I thought I got rid of a lot of the people that I don't want to associate with anymore since arriving back to the states. I find that people are coming out of the wood works for the deletion process to continue.   

If you are reading this  please listen to me. One day you will visit a city that an old friend of yours is living in. Please don't mention anything to them about your arrival to that city. If you are not going to make any attempt to see him or her while you are there, or make up excuses. Don't bother contacting them. That's very lame and I would dismiss you FOREVER! That's not true friendship. I don't know what anyone would call that.

I have become more reclusive and isolated for the reason that people are on smartphone drugs or just lost it. I find certain people to be smelly and annoying. Sometimes I catch myself really disliking people at times. 

Another annoying thing are people that text while you are hanging out with them. These people are also discarded as well. If you are going to keep texting someone that's miles away instead of sharing precious quality, human contact with the person that is in front of you. Don't bother asking that person to hang out.

I've also hoped that people took showers and wore deodorant, but they don't. My nose has been suffering for quite sometime now. Why does this have to be?!

The end!! I'm tired!

The After Life

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. – by someone smart

3/9/2012



I had a few dreams about my father last night. Since the day he died, I wondered where his spirit went. Did he stick around or did he go straight to where all souls go… wherever that place might be.

All religions have their say …People of the islam faith says something, Buddhist have their ideas, Christians, Egyptians all have their say about what happens in the after-life. A universal person would say that “they are all right”. Whatever you reality you choose to think about the most will exist. If you want negative crap to happen, you will attract negative stuff.. If you focus on the positives, you get positives. I’m rather practical so my life gets a little bit a booth. When God gives you lemons, you make lemonade.



The thing I don’t understand is time-limits on things. Like three-days for resurrection or to be judged. Where are they getting that sort of information from, do they set their calendars for such a thing. Is that based on this reality or the netherworld’s reality… To me eternity is eternity, t time doesn’t exist in the afterlife, there isn’t a moon or sun, earth rotation to tell time.  While we are alive, we learned to measure time after billions of years of evolution. Thousands and billions of years based on Earth revolution around the sun.

My mother and I agreed on theory, that there is no heaven or hell. That everyone creates their own heaven or hell right here on earth. It’s more of a state of mind, and my wish is for his mind to have been at peace before his passing into the next world. I did personally tell him to watch over me and pick out a nice wife for me sometime in the future because I have no luck with women at all.



So I watched the movie “What dreams may come”. Ever since  it first came out , it always pops in my head when someone close to home passes away, which has not happened that often…..and it is the first source to a non-religious portrayal of the afterlife. You don’t have to be apart of a religion to understand that life has it’s ups and downs. Eating a piece of delicious chocolate cake can feel like heaven, but dreading final exams can feel like hell. These types of situations happen to us every day as humans living in this modern world

It is a very open-minded movie, something that I enjoy.

There are a few parts that enjoyed and want to understand more. Like what happens during the first moments of death. There are many people who experience out-of-body experiences during Near Death experiences. If the body, or the human machine is too incapacitated for the soul, so it moves on and becomes a body-less spirit. I believe that some souls are still attached to the earthly world for a while until they realize they are free from physical bondage. They hang around on earth, taking their desired form, more than like human form and cling on to the things they are used to.



 The movie re-iterates that we are not our body parts, brains, arms, finger nails. We are the source of energy that feels passion, happiness, joy and love. When our bodies die, it rots away but you still exist which is for all eternity, but take different forms.


Albert: So what is the "me"?

Chris Nielsen: My brain I suppose.

Albert: Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that's you?

Chris Nielsen: Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

Albert: So if you're aware you exist, then you do. That's why you're still here.
The voice in my head is always talking to me.

When you think about it all, We do live very short lives, just a blink of an eye compared to the life of the entire universe. That’s sort of motivating for those that kind of twiddle their thumbs in life.

Chris Nielsen: A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we'll all be together forever.

So my question at the end is? Why did was he my father? What brought us together? Why did we live the sort of life we did together? I know he wasn’t happy about his illness and constantly told everyone that he wanted to live because he has plans. Which makes me very sad, but those plans were reasonable. I kind of felt like that’s something a good man should inherit. He really wanted to own land, grow pecan and walnut trees, and be close to his grandchildren.

In turn, I think about the goals I have and what I want out of life. I don’t have much that I really want or desire. I guess you can say I’m a lazy soul when it comes to planning long term. My way is usually different from others. While everyone wants to get married, have a good career, and so on. I like the unknown and going on daily adventures either in the mind, or body… usually it’s both.



I do believe that universe (God) has everything lined up and there may be some sort of plan in the works. Like, I hadn’t visited America for but at the same time I believe we create our paths within a path. Working hard to achieve goals and make things happen. We all must follow our hearts and our passions. If we life for others, then that’s when chaos happens.

Like I mentioned earlier, My father made a visit to me in dreams and they were memorable. So I still believe he still exists and his love for his family is strong, even though he didn’t know how to express it sometimes.

On a side note, I believe that all objects have souls. Like your body has a soul of it’s own and your spirit co-exist with it.. It’s hard for me to explain some of my ideas sometimes but this is true for me. When I stood next to my father’s cold body, I realized his machine was still here, but the operator of the machine had left because everything stopped functioning.
There are still so many thoughts and questions I have in my mind. But like any guru would say. All you have is “Now, the present moment”. I believe each day is a stepping stone, an opportunity to build something incredible. If my days run short then I know that I did my best in this life to create something worthwhile. What an adventure it was. Physical reality is the illusion. The imagination is what’s real. Creating something out of nothing.

In the back of my mind though. I have a question.... The moment my father died.. I wonder. who was just born into this world... it's just a thought i'll dwell on and may run into that person 18 years from now.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted from life and being a care giver. I guess, I haven't written too much on the top of care giving, but there will be a time for me to explain it sooner or later. The times I do prefer writing here, the more tired I become from each stroke of the keyboard.... oh well, maybe it's writer's block or my unwillingness to go into depth of a situation that I've been thinking about the most. These days are so stressful and draining. What am I gaining from all this, is something I ask myself everyday?

Embarking Of Life Lessons

Embark of Life Lessons

Plane Ticket Booked and I'm clearly ready for my journey to Texas, which will take place in about 13 days. I have way too much going on in my cerebral vortex to understand what I should be thinking about for long periods of time. My days are blurred together. The food in-between thinking and non-thinking tastes incredibly good. Thanks to my sister-in-law, she is an amazing Dominican cook !Mmmmm....

Re-incarnate fool

As I go through time, dying a thousand lives and being reborn into a billion more. The possibilities for a great adventure awaits me in the bosom of the unknown. I can't sense anything with my tender body parts, within the void but what awaits me  are unrealized dreams that slept within the cradle of fantasy and illusion. A sudden Manifestation of these out of sight dreams are being planted with each thought and each step I take upon Mother Gaia.  

Random Agenda

My heart is compelled to try new words and find out a new way of saying things without getting too far out of my shell. My inner-shell. The holidays are here and I'm torn with spending time with my neglectful and rejectful family members. All having their own materialistic agenda. My agenda is that of peace.

Trials and Tribulations

From being asked to leave by my mom from her place.. my supposed "home".. To being kicked out of my sister's place because of un-paid bills, transitioning to a hotel that I could barely afford. Now I'm staying with a close friend and his wife in side of a cold sanctuary. A sanctuary it truly is. Truly cold because they like to save on cash by keeping the heat off. I'll ask them to build me a fire. I buy the food, wash dishes and make sure the place is clean to keep my side of the rent. Laughs, Giggles, and a bunch of randomness. I found out my father has the possibility of having some life-threatening disease. :P My trip has been filled with lots of lessons and probably SH*T that I don't need to be going through but I am.

I'm definitely learning to Rely on thy-self because most people suck.. BIG BALLZ! Even the helpful ones that get mad if you need some alone time, they suck even more.

If I can't depend on others, who do I depend on for things... MY DAMN SELF...Self-Reliance and Transcendence have been "words for the month" this past month of November. I'm learning that I've transcended all that I need to. The universe has constantly informed me that the longer I mess or be around lower vibration people, friend or foe, family or stranger. They will be re-moved either by confrontation or spontaneously. Over-time I'v heard that my spiritual being-ness is that of an evolved and high vibration spirit. That's like a double-edge sword. I'm able to attract tons of souls but I'll most likely teach them a thing or two and feel alone with in the relationship. The universe is teaching me to be strong, to rely on my own power, resources, imagination, and strength to bring about positive changes within' my on life.



I'm not one of those entities that say he can speak with "God" or "Heaven" but I'm damn near close to it. The secret to obtaining a spiritual connection with the Almighty is to be Almighty clever. It's about using the discerning mind to see the subtle messages that are constantly provoking the subconscious to understand more about itself with the help of outside voices. My subconscious is constantly feeding itself.

After all of these lessons, I've been tempted to research more about the Transcendentalists like Thoreau,Emerson, and Walt Whitman. I seek what that sought. To surpass the common man, the common thought. I'm already a stranger amongst stranger, why not be the stranger that wields the power of like-minded-ness within his aura. For protection and self-healing methods.

Writing has always been a form of self- healing for me. I'm able to express myself in more ways than one. These days I'm experimenting with ways to write in a new more mind gripping way. A fantastic, more humorous approach. I have a large brain and brilliant untapped personality that doesn't come out so much through my writing. But I want it to. I want it so bad that I'll taste it later if it becomes delicious roast beef sandwhiches from Arby's.

In the end, the universe is showing me some invaluable and valuable lessons at this time. I write to "clarify" to unite all the inner-ness into an organized fashion. I write to understand what these lessons mean and how I can pass them with flying colors. There are still repeating themes that occur in my life, hopefully before this life is over, I'll be able to master them. Writing empowers me. It unites my conscious and subconscious mind, the universe. My wish is to meet more like-minded people and to keep them around.

YES!!

Real Man!

In two short paragraphs, how can I explain my day. It was quite boring and I felt a little isolated, since I don't have a means of transportation, nor the courage to ask anyone to use their vehicle, so oh well.

The title of the song above is called "The Real Man" and the picture above is a Super Naruto, who is going to murder all the bad guys for causing all the rukus in his village.

I ask myself today. Am I being a real man? Am I creating a life that's worth living? Not really, well for right now, I've been semi-inactive. I am not afraid to make any friggin' mistakes. I eat and take care of myself. The only thing I'd change are some of my animalistic ways, when I transform into an eagle and perch on a tree in my mind. And do nothing but look at all clouds in my mind pass by.

:) My next blogs are going to be a little different, because I'm going to be more focused a particular subject and hopefully elaborate whatever the heavens show me. Such as the SHADOW SELF and accepting it. Conquering that thing and using it's power for yourself. Fun stuff, I hope I have something interesting to say , and a song to match it.
Am I a real man?! I'll let my dreams decide at 4:55 a.m in the morning. lol
I love music!!!

PEACE!

Find Your Way

Find Your Way

It's the beginning of September, my birth month. In about ten days I will be celebrating my 27th birthday. So currently I've been asking myself what have these 27 years been about?

It's rather late however and I don't have the energy to write all that is flowing through my brain cells.

I ran for about 35 minutes. Which is unusually long for my style of cardio. I do plan on making it a usual thing while I strive to become thinner and sleeker. Ultimately as handsome as I can be. I do believe that my body in a healthy way, attracts the company of the good and bad. I surpassed my record of only running 2 miles and up-ed it to 4 miles. Yay! me.!!

I've had a pretty rough few months in the past. It's mainly my fault. I've been letting others invade my life with their drama and instability. The forever flowing of stable energy is always in the hands of those who are creative and can use the energy at their will. They have wings and become stable healers of this planet.

There are those that incarnate to point the way to those that want to find their way.

I want to write even more. I want to process, reflect, acknowledge the higher being that is at work in my life. Showing me the signs. Leaving their feathers to point the way to great happiness.

It's my birth month and I am entitled to having a productive and happy month.

Eagles, Hawks, Please Guide me.

Intense Vision

I woke up this morning around 6:15 a.m after having an intense (Vision) remote viewing session that was incredibly weird but very fascinating. I'll get into that later. I also had to pick up my sister and take her to work, which took me out of my usual routine of waking up so late. I'm a kind and gentle soul, so I didn't mind going to get her.

My motivation was to just be helpful and be of service to the less fortunate. Her car had shut down and my mom refused to wake up in the morning to take her daughter to work. There is a reason behind the story that will only anger and confuse people, but I told my sister not to let it consume and to think positive about the situation,or at least try.

I have met many people that have become consumed by the worst case scenario often worrying themselves into a heart attack or a mental break down. I've been in relationship with women that don't let go. A Father that grips the past, like a Raccoon that grips crash in its hands.

I like to think I'm not like the common people, but I just recently got out of a 1 year and 3 month relationship with a girl that I truly admired. I can admit, that I wasn't the most faithful of souls and the relationship felt emotionally gripping and felt blocked from my true self and having to sacrifice my freedom for the sake of the relationship. So even though she claims it's over. I do part of the time, but I'm still reluctant to not contact her. So, Text, call, and whatever.

As a person of small habits. I do know how to break a few habits, slow and little. I formed a schedule that I'm really trying to stick to, to ween myself out of contacting her. It's not something a usual person does, but I'll get the point if I'm constantly ignored. I can't help it sometimes.




This morning, how special I felt. I was able to see my sister off to work. Saw my niece and nephew also. I dropped them off at the baby sitter's house and hugged them and they went off. I gave both of them a hug and then they went into the house. My niece then comes running back out and gives me another hug and says. Uncle J you are warm.

That made me want to get teary eyed. That was definitely a special moment. My nephew always smiles and is happy around me. They will start school soon and I wish them luck. My niece will be in the first grade and nephew will go to the third grade. They remind me of how my little sister and I used to be growing up; sort of. They are some talkative creatures.



Spirituality has always been an interest of mine. Seeking the unknown and being able to see the unseen. The Hawk came to me yesterday. I was thinking about how I could be a model to society when it flew on a tree right in front of me. As a power animal that has always been with me, it appears to guard and protect me whenever I feel the most vulnerable.

What does the symbol mean?

It felt that it meant for me to let go of any baggage and to fly to a place where I can reflect and feel happiness. Although I've spent about 2 1/2 weeks in the U.S.A I'm happy and uncomfortably sad at the same time. I'm happy that I get to eat the foods that I'm used to, but I don't have a car to get around like how I want to. There is the bus and I can learn how to use public transportation one of these days.

The Hawk, Precision,Planning, Strategy, Harmonizing, listening to the omens, visionary skills. To see beyond what I can see. The hawk's number is 14 and my name number equals to 68=14=5. So I really take any type of omen from the hawk seriously. What I do with the knowledge doesn't really appear until I speak with people or do something that people wouldn't ordinarily do.


This morning in the middle of the night. I was able to see things with my own two eyes in the dark. There are moments in time when I am in between sleep and awake, when I can see these images of random things. People making love, machines from the future.

I felt like I was looking into a t.v while my head was under the blanket, seeing all these fabulous images.I felt like I was awakening to some strange power that was given to me by the hawk. Over-time I'd be able to master it somehow and pierce through the veil that keeps us into this reality.

There was a trick to seeing such images. I had to look up-towards my third eye (middle of my forehead) for it to work. And to just watch and not think. As soon as I started thinking I could literally see the background images get lit on fire and burn way. As that happen. I saw the constant flow of purple haze flowing within my field of vision.

Temperance- To Harmonize, To mix, heaven and hell.Self Mastery.
With that said. I'm between happiness, freedom, restriction, and darkness. It'll get better as I light the path with my own life force and light.


Whenever I look at these photos. I there is a noble person in me standing against the wall with a smirk on his face.