Is this all even real?

I am sitting down, carefully. While my thoughts disappear and appear randomly. Refusing to be a robot, but is that all Ill have to become in this life. I finally woke up and realized that life is moving in a direction that I don't want to be apart of. Maybe I just been in the wrong world and my world is till yet to be found. I need an explanation, I need my questions answered, I need to ask questions. Why does my body feel so heavy everytime I walk now. Why does my thoughts become so real that I can feel that coming in my brain. It gets heavier and heavier these days. I always been strong, but now that I don't even know what real is anymore. The life that I was shown is so boring, so unlively. CAn I just go to someone's house and paint, write, live in the woods for all eternity so that this can all just fade away. Will my reality become a prison or a place of freedom.

Today I want to be able to decide that my life is go to be free. Without this restrictiveness. I want my instincts to take over because they have been sadly placed out the window. But I know where to find them. I want to rely on those that will create my reality of freedom. I am so called on this mission of freedom and finding myself. I really dont know where to begin. I can't really rely on anyone, which I've been doing these 23 years of living. I relying on this spirit that has always been there. Inside me. I like to view my spirit as a hidden wolf, in a forest filled with white snow, and tall trees. My inner world thats delightful paradise that has been set on fire from the outer world. I don't blame them though, I blame myself , my thoughts should be light as a butterfly right now. Just drifitng away into a far away land. Of course their will be storms on the way. Of course theyll be crack heads singing "Money is rules the world". I don't believe that's true. My spirit knows the truth, but I've been disconnected from it for so long that It's showing me the way. I have to rely on it and take caution because my thoughts have become heavy.

From time to time, I view my self now communicating with myself as a Kid. Telling me things now as if I were his friend, lost brother, or dear father figure. When I was a kid, I was sensative , gentle, shy, heart filled with gold light, and then I become this shallow, judgemental person, that lacks trust in anything. I've grown to not trust myself at times because I don't really know myself. But the child in me says, Take time. Talk to me and get to know me, I have all the answers you seek. It just takes time to get through to you, for you to hear and embrace the moments. Only if I had a sword or something that I can trust. I want to learn to trust myself, instead of just going through the motions. I want to LIVE, creatively. Draw , Read, Paint, Create wonderful music and write about it each day. YEa, Im starting to get the messsages now from this inner child. I want to sit by moonlit beaches and kick around coconuts and write stories about a "Cherry that couldn't be red" get it. Well i don't . :).... I never knew I had all these abilities until now. Well lets say I knew it, I just never embraced it until now. I will be remarkable because I am ambitious, my heart lies in the arts. Although my mind slowly is slipping away from the conformity that was instilled in it. The thoughts of being behind a desk working for someone has been set on fire and tossed off a cliff and then on the bottom of the cliff. There is a nuclear acid that will dissolve that thought as well. So what now.........

CREATE CREATE CREATE.... That what reality is, Reality is a creation. If I create a reality then I become creator. If I create many realities, I've become a creator of many realities. Now rich wife where are you. So I can create. :).

Voyage to my true-self

How will I succeed? Is the question I am asking myself. Today I decided to go ahead and journey to find my true self although I am very anxious to find out what is going to happen. Maybe this trip is probably the riskiest thing I ever done during my life time. I've been through far worst things in my life that no one will understand. No, I didn't have a near death experience or anything but I am following something that people have disconnected from. Intuition is something I find as my best friend. My gut feeling, or God self others call it, is something i seek to stregnthen.

This gut feeling is telling me to full express myself to it's limit in which how I want to express it. Not what others want, but what I want to do. I don't really look through a whole situation like other see it because I am an "Indigo" Adult. I can see things from beginning to end, although experiencing things are a lot better. I can think of 100 scenarios off the top of my head, talking about things to people that don't understand is meaningless because the world likes to talk down on people. They seem to talk down because they weren't taught any better in this world, but on a another topic.

Well my thoughts are telling me to move forward and release the attachments that I have because they made me into this creature that is limited and always self-doubting himself. My teacher will be my gut feeling and I will be devoted to it. I am leaving behind this cave that I put myself in. I smell something rotting as if it were a dead squirell buried in the walls. I couldn't find the source yet but oh well. I have to full express myself. The way I know that is through my body, but sculpting it with continuous excersise and maintaining a healthy diet. I also read and study spirituality to unite the body and mind. Writing is a passion and my therapy. Although I am a terrible speller and my grammar doesn't own up to traditional standards. I don't care, I write anyway. hmmm. Well I like to paint and color in coloring books. I like being a kid, and will join anyone that loves to do the same thing. I like walking in the creeks barefoot. I like walking barefoot with my shirt off in cold rain. I know that Its mind over matter and I won't get sick as long as I take care of my thoughts and body.

The journey I am setting out on is the removal of possesions that will not suite the lifestyle that I wish to live. I honestly don't want to many posessions because I am a traveler at heart and won't need to establish anything until I get old and wrinkly. Not even then, I can see myself in a hut in Japan writing stories under a cherry blossom tree. I probably won't even get old, maybe ill just get wiser and eat pure, so that my body can stay pure for as long as possible. That's going to be fun, but I don't want to think about getting old. I want to think about how I am going to live today. Although my actions don't correspond with my thoughts sometimes because I know the manifestation process and I dish out to much junk to the universe. Giving it mixed signals.

I woke up and realized that I was trained by the school system to become a person that I don't want to be. I am glad I woke up, maybe my efforts are futile but I never had a dream until now. I never wanted to be an old fat dad with so many kids. I knew I wanted to be good at something, at many things. I want to be remembered by people that an spiritual being living a human experience can live freely and properously. I am a lover of different worlds. I often see myself on a hill next to a tree watching a full moon, rise, and fall. OR even next to a beach. I like to drift into those worlds and stay there for a while. But I have so much work to do in this world, I think its ridiculous. I want to go in a trance and let a spirit come into me and do all the work for me lol. But I like living through experience. It's hard to explain. I'm getting hungry writing this.

BUt the main focus of the story is to go by intuition and live life to the fullest. Taking care of oneself is the best thing anyone can do. Don't live for anyone, live for yourself. Living for yourself sets a greater example instead of living for someone where they can use you for whatever their needs are. :) funny that I awoke and see the world around me as a place of limitation, but yet we are suppose to be free. It's sad and I really can help, but at the same time, i really won't feel alive. I want to just go and view all the historical sights and learn things. OFten times my ego gets in the way and says. Your family will be jealous and ask you for things. It'll be my choice to say yes or no though eh? Well I know I have to look out for myself and find out my reason for living. Using my intution as my Guide will help a great deal.

I might Fly on a Dragon's back and just go far far away.