It's Chinese New Year in Asia and it's a time for families to get together and do their thing. I haven't seen my family in two years. I know they miss me and I miss them sometimes. The reason I say sometimes, it's only because they have given me such a hard time in this life and I just rather be by myself then to be around such angry, envious, and drama filled souls. I don't know what their problem is sometimes. On the other hand, I do miss being around people that I grew up with, share blood with. My mother and I were the best of friends until our little incident that got me to become more of an independent person, relying on myself for love and support. My sister usually talks to me jokingly, either she is asking something from me, or lies and tells me that she will send me a package. She never does, my parents say the same thing but nothing ever comes. It's just lost hope or they are either robotic people that just say things just because they are programed to say it. I'm wondering if they have a conversation with a friend, asking what my whereabouts are and then they realize that I am actually in a foreign country. I'm usually tempted to send something to my family but I feel I'll just be feeding their greed.
I'm no where angry with them as I was 2 years ago. And can you believe that people I talk to about this situation say I don't have a right to be angry with them just because they are my family members, but they can be upset with me just because I am running my life. It's been a long time since I've had a family dinner. I don't go to other families houses that much anymore because I think about how fake families are probably with one another. :(. I hate fake and phony things. For life to be as real as it is, why do so many fake things exist. How do people fuel their lives with the superficial.
The simplest things I do to connect with them is by sending them emails. That's as simple as I can get with them or I'll just feel horrible sending my hard earn money to them in the form of gifts. They ingrained the idea in me that I still owe them for being born into their family. How horrible is that to say to a young kid. I'm 26 and I still haven't gotten over that Idea. I wouldn't mind paying them back, if were a bit more peaceful.
The plus side of all this. I've grown to become a stronger person. I do not know how to say No to people sometimes. I am one of the biggest flirts on the planet. I'm addicted to social networks. I love video games and writing. The most annoying people are those that try to quote so many books and bible verses, instead of using their own brains and experience to convey their information. I had to leave so many things behind to start a new. It's not that I left it behind. It's just I decided to move forward , to experience a new lifestyle.
Lately, I've been feeling out of touch with life and my soul. I am usually into deep philosophical things. Lately, I've been just having "surface" conversations with people that lead to no where. I do initiate conversations knowing this but I do wish for something deeper sometimes. I just don't know where to go sometimes. When I do meet someone that is supposing philosophical, they try to act like Mr. or Ms. know it all. I did meet someone that is just as free spirit as I am, she seems to be a little more community oriented, while I am more self-oriented and can only cater too so many people. I do know people communicate with me whenever they need someone to cheer them up, making me feel like a clown sometimes.
There was an incident where a girl's boyfriend had dumped her and she just started talking to me out the blue demanding that I'd give her, her horoscope. I am the type of person that is always willing to share my knowledge on astrology and nutrition. She was a little brute when asking me to cheer her up. Like a queen that demands a fool to make her laugh or she'll chop off his head. I hate that I have the right words to say to people to help them move on. I guess, I just envy those people that have a friend like me. When I don't really have one like that around. People often turn on me to quickly too. :( The same people with those messed up lives, shout at me when I don't want to talk to them. I don't have those types of experiences that much anymore but I still have people creep back into my life that, saying whatever they want to say.. to try to help me.. when I am the expert at helping them. :P They come and go, disappear again. It's not like I look forward to these people sticking around. They grow dependent on me for some thing or another. I am a big fan of give and take.. I do sometimes do more of the taking but I think I am a naturally warm person giving off more warmth than I take in.
I do want to say that I am not depressed. I'm such an optimistic person, I never really give myself time to talk about the things that try to put my fire out. I am glad I write and able to dump these thoughts onto paper, so I can have room in my head for better thoughts. Going with the flow has always been my forte, I wonder If I'll ever change and actually grip on to a future. I've always been out of the ordinary and think that the heavens has a plan for me. The things that I want I usually don't get because I'm so impulsive, I just grab the closet thing, but I never have any regrets. Live and Learn. What I think I want, I don't really need. The things I need are not usually what I think I need. I hope that came out right. In other words. The MYSTERIES of life is always placing things in my path that gives me AHA moments and I'm tearing,knowing this is exactly what I need in my life to get to the next step... but to where you know?
I'm slowly becoming an empty vessel. I am slowly not myself. I've become addicted to face book. Addicted to video games. I don't give myself time to think anymore. I even have petty arguments with old friends on face book. Maybe blog spot should be the thing I am addicted to because it actually helps me and I feel a bit more un-revealed as I am on facebook.
The other day I found out I was either deleted by people I known for a while. I got offended when I some how found out. I actually don't know how I found out, but it was in my face that people I was searching for weren't showing up. So I must of got blocked. I wondered what I did wrong. But I decided not to sweat it, they were not really friends anyway. That's when I told myself that I am too addicted to facebook.I'm not as bad as others but I do know it's not the end of the world if Facebook gets blown away. It'll just make me have to be in Korea much more than I am. I feel like I am still in America sometimes instead of a foreign country.
When I do experience Korea a little more. I've found that a bunch of people want to make their way into my life, rude ass people by getting too close to me. One guy took me to the wrong home plus in the taxi, making me pay too much. Others like to stand all on my back a the ATM. I'm the only one seeing that as a problem. The ATMS were all full and people with their neurotic brains just couldn't sit still and relax and wait. It was actually funny to observe, since I was all chill with my ipod on.
The face book incident, I'm not sweating. It's not good for me sometimes. I need to start studying things and limit my internet time more than usual. I probably will find a little more solace in life.
I have so much useful and creative energy that I waste it. I've decided to truly eat healthy after my vacation and maybe even start modeling again. I do want to model with sexy women since BEAUTY is my theme. I love beautiful things and my name means "Beauty" and "GRACE". So I hope that I will continue to be strong through my loneliness at times. I don't relate to anyone these days. I probably psychologically imprisoned myself, which isn't a good thing. I'm just too damn picky sometimes. It'll never change, I'm even hesitant about visiting certain people because how they keep their space. Mine is usually always clean smelling good. Thanks to my mom's obsessive cleaning habits, I've inherited the same trait.
My goal these days is to write so that my dreams will come back. When I reveal my feelings on paper like this. The Angels channel their message into me through dreams. I love dreams. I don't have them anymore since I'm drowning my mind with useless conversations, games, and the will to not do anything outside my comfort zone, which is actually pretty big.
In the end. I just want to be strong. A strong individual relying on his on strength to tackle future problems. To looked up to by many.To be brilliant!. A world of fantasy. I know I need a show, anime, or something to just Mess up my mind psychologically. My brain is much better, when it's chewing on something for long periods of times. It's just been getting fed things other than that.
I guess I'm just annoyed today. I hope my weekend is not boring. My true intentions were to write something else, but I wasn't feeling it today.
(I'm actually taking the effort to re-read and edit my blogs before I post them, I heard that it was rude to post your blogs without proof-reading and editing. They are extensions of my self.) I'm not an expert in writing but I try. :).
I need a hobby, activities, clothes,shoes, and anything that fits. :(. I'm sort of feeling down today.
Too tired (I'll edit tomorrow, I promise!!)
