Is this all even real?

I am sitting down, carefully. While my thoughts disappear and appear randomly. Refusing to be a robot, but is that all Ill have to become in this life. I finally woke up and realized that life is moving in a direction that I don't want to be apart of. Maybe I just been in the wrong world and my world is till yet to be found. I need an explanation, I need my questions answered, I need to ask questions. Why does my body feel so heavy everytime I walk now. Why does my thoughts become so real that I can feel that coming in my brain. It gets heavier and heavier these days. I always been strong, but now that I don't even know what real is anymore. The life that I was shown is so boring, so unlively. CAn I just go to someone's house and paint, write, live in the woods for all eternity so that this can all just fade away. Will my reality become a prison or a place of freedom.

Today I want to be able to decide that my life is go to be free. Without this restrictiveness. I want my instincts to take over because they have been sadly placed out the window. But I know where to find them. I want to rely on those that will create my reality of freedom. I am so called on this mission of freedom and finding myself. I really dont know where to begin. I can't really rely on anyone, which I've been doing these 23 years of living. I relying on this spirit that has always been there. Inside me. I like to view my spirit as a hidden wolf, in a forest filled with white snow, and tall trees. My inner world thats delightful paradise that has been set on fire from the outer world. I don't blame them though, I blame myself , my thoughts should be light as a butterfly right now. Just drifitng away into a far away land. Of course their will be storms on the way. Of course theyll be crack heads singing "Money is rules the world". I don't believe that's true. My spirit knows the truth, but I've been disconnected from it for so long that It's showing me the way. I have to rely on it and take caution because my thoughts have become heavy.

From time to time, I view my self now communicating with myself as a Kid. Telling me things now as if I were his friend, lost brother, or dear father figure. When I was a kid, I was sensative , gentle, shy, heart filled with gold light, and then I become this shallow, judgemental person, that lacks trust in anything. I've grown to not trust myself at times because I don't really know myself. But the child in me says, Take time. Talk to me and get to know me, I have all the answers you seek. It just takes time to get through to you, for you to hear and embrace the moments. Only if I had a sword or something that I can trust. I want to learn to trust myself, instead of just going through the motions. I want to LIVE, creatively. Draw , Read, Paint, Create wonderful music and write about it each day. YEa, Im starting to get the messsages now from this inner child. I want to sit by moonlit beaches and kick around coconuts and write stories about a "Cherry that couldn't be red" get it. Well i don't . :).... I never knew I had all these abilities until now. Well lets say I knew it, I just never embraced it until now. I will be remarkable because I am ambitious, my heart lies in the arts. Although my mind slowly is slipping away from the conformity that was instilled in it. The thoughts of being behind a desk working for someone has been set on fire and tossed off a cliff and then on the bottom of the cliff. There is a nuclear acid that will dissolve that thought as well. So what now.........

CREATE CREATE CREATE.... That what reality is, Reality is a creation. If I create a reality then I become creator. If I create many realities, I've become a creator of many realities. Now rich wife where are you. So I can create. :).