Picky Picky!

Vanilla Wafers. Grape Wine. 6 months anniversary of his passing.Hiatus.

Ahhh!! LIFE what have you done to me. 

So many things to process at this time. I hope that  I can say that I have a fair enough time to think about these things and act on them soon before time runs out.  

Writing has always been a personal outlet for me and I appreciate my fingers to be able to type. Here is my little Rant!

Issue Number One:

Should I go? or Should I stay? Or should I stay then go? or should I go then come back?  Or should I go and never come back for many years to come?

 I've been back and forth with these damn questions in my head that it often make my nose bleed. Not literally but there is a beautiful young man in the back of a ice cream truck in sitting with several gallons of  Cookie Dough Ice Cream.

New York or South Korea?  I'm trying to decide. The initial plan had always been to go back to Korea and work a year or more and save up for future ventures. I'm 27 now and will turn 28 in few weeks. So I'll probably be 30 before I will begin what I ought to begin. 

In New York, I was left with an apartment that I've been living in for nearly 9 months now but I feel that I haven't took advantage of my stay here because of my indecisive nature! oh no!! I'll be in a real crap-hole if I don't make up my mind soon.

Success will only come to me once I make a decision but I keep halting it with my indecisive nature. Even the girls are asking me questions like. "Are you always this indecisive?". In my head, If I am incapable, then you make the decision. I have a crocodile of confusion attached to my face at the moment!

Issue Number Two:

People!!!  I always have issues with people. They are unreliable and can be pricks, well most of them are. Not all. 

I honestly look at myself and ask if I consider myself reliable. I've had old friends come to New York and say they were here and didn't make any attempt to meet up or anything. So Why the "F" did you tell me you were here? So I thought I got rid of a lot of the people that I don't want to associate with anymore since arriving back to the states. I find that people are coming out of the wood works for the deletion process to continue.   

If you are reading this  please listen to me. One day you will visit a city that an old friend of yours is living in. Please don't mention anything to them about your arrival to that city. If you are not going to make any attempt to see him or her while you are there, or make up excuses. Don't bother contacting them. That's very lame and I would dismiss you FOREVER! That's not true friendship. I don't know what anyone would call that.

I have become more reclusive and isolated for the reason that people are on smartphone drugs or just lost it. I find certain people to be smelly and annoying. Sometimes I catch myself really disliking people at times. 

Another annoying thing are people that text while you are hanging out with them. These people are also discarded as well. If you are going to keep texting someone that's miles away instead of sharing precious quality, human contact with the person that is in front of you. Don't bother asking that person to hang out.

I've also hoped that people took showers and wore deodorant, but they don't. My nose has been suffering for quite sometime now. Why does this have to be?!

The end!! I'm tired!

The After Life

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. – by someone smart

3/9/2012



I had a few dreams about my father last night. Since the day he died, I wondered where his spirit went. Did he stick around or did he go straight to where all souls go… wherever that place might be.

All religions have their say …People of the islam faith says something, Buddhist have their ideas, Christians, Egyptians all have their say about what happens in the after-life. A universal person would say that “they are all right”. Whatever you reality you choose to think about the most will exist. If you want negative crap to happen, you will attract negative stuff.. If you focus on the positives, you get positives. I’m rather practical so my life gets a little bit a booth. When God gives you lemons, you make lemonade.



The thing I don’t understand is time-limits on things. Like three-days for resurrection or to be judged. Where are they getting that sort of information from, do they set their calendars for such a thing. Is that based on this reality or the netherworld’s reality… To me eternity is eternity, t time doesn’t exist in the afterlife, there isn’t a moon or sun, earth rotation to tell time.  While we are alive, we learned to measure time after billions of years of evolution. Thousands and billions of years based on Earth revolution around the sun.

My mother and I agreed on theory, that there is no heaven or hell. That everyone creates their own heaven or hell right here on earth. It’s more of a state of mind, and my wish is for his mind to have been at peace before his passing into the next world. I did personally tell him to watch over me and pick out a nice wife for me sometime in the future because I have no luck with women at all.



So I watched the movie “What dreams may come”. Ever since  it first came out , it always pops in my head when someone close to home passes away, which has not happened that often…..and it is the first source to a non-religious portrayal of the afterlife. You don’t have to be apart of a religion to understand that life has it’s ups and downs. Eating a piece of delicious chocolate cake can feel like heaven, but dreading final exams can feel like hell. These types of situations happen to us every day as humans living in this modern world

It is a very open-minded movie, something that I enjoy.

There are a few parts that enjoyed and want to understand more. Like what happens during the first moments of death. There are many people who experience out-of-body experiences during Near Death experiences. If the body, or the human machine is too incapacitated for the soul, so it moves on and becomes a body-less spirit. I believe that some souls are still attached to the earthly world for a while until they realize they are free from physical bondage. They hang around on earth, taking their desired form, more than like human form and cling on to the things they are used to.



 The movie re-iterates that we are not our body parts, brains, arms, finger nails. We are the source of energy that feels passion, happiness, joy and love. When our bodies die, it rots away but you still exist which is for all eternity, but take different forms.


Albert: So what is the "me"?

Chris Nielsen: My brain I suppose.

Albert: Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that's you?

Chris Nielsen: Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

Albert: So if you're aware you exist, then you do. That's why you're still here.
The voice in my head is always talking to me.

When you think about it all, We do live very short lives, just a blink of an eye compared to the life of the entire universe. That’s sort of motivating for those that kind of twiddle their thumbs in life.

Chris Nielsen: A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we'll all be together forever.

So my question at the end is? Why did was he my father? What brought us together? Why did we live the sort of life we did together? I know he wasn’t happy about his illness and constantly told everyone that he wanted to live because he has plans. Which makes me very sad, but those plans were reasonable. I kind of felt like that’s something a good man should inherit. He really wanted to own land, grow pecan and walnut trees, and be close to his grandchildren.

In turn, I think about the goals I have and what I want out of life. I don’t have much that I really want or desire. I guess you can say I’m a lazy soul when it comes to planning long term. My way is usually different from others. While everyone wants to get married, have a good career, and so on. I like the unknown and going on daily adventures either in the mind, or body… usually it’s both.



I do believe that universe (God) has everything lined up and there may be some sort of plan in the works. Like, I hadn’t visited America for but at the same time I believe we create our paths within a path. Working hard to achieve goals and make things happen. We all must follow our hearts and our passions. If we life for others, then that’s when chaos happens.

Like I mentioned earlier, My father made a visit to me in dreams and they were memorable. So I still believe he still exists and his love for his family is strong, even though he didn’t know how to express it sometimes.

On a side note, I believe that all objects have souls. Like your body has a soul of it’s own and your spirit co-exist with it.. It’s hard for me to explain some of my ideas sometimes but this is true for me. When I stood next to my father’s cold body, I realized his machine was still here, but the operator of the machine had left because everything stopped functioning.
There are still so many thoughts and questions I have in my mind. But like any guru would say. All you have is “Now, the present moment”. I believe each day is a stepping stone, an opportunity to build something incredible. If my days run short then I know that I did my best in this life to create something worthwhile. What an adventure it was. Physical reality is the illusion. The imagination is what’s real. Creating something out of nothing.

In the back of my mind though. I have a question.... The moment my father died.. I wonder. who was just born into this world... it's just a thought i'll dwell on and may run into that person 18 years from now.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted from life and being a care giver. I guess, I haven't written too much on the top of care giving, but there will be a time for me to explain it sooner or later. The times I do prefer writing here, the more tired I become from each stroke of the keyboard.... oh well, maybe it's writer's block or my unwillingness to go into depth of a situation that I've been thinking about the most. These days are so stressful and draining. What am I gaining from all this, is something I ask myself everyday?