Bear Moments

I have about 30 minutes before I hit the gym. Today I want to write down my experience with the bear totem.

During class today. I had one of my Korean studies start to blurt out all the bears that she could notice inside the classroom.I did notice that there were a lot of Teddy bears as erasers, book covers, and other neat things you could put teddy bears on or make into.

Earlier that day. I was watching a clip over and over again that had me laughing constantly "inside my brain" for a while. One of the actors mentioned Bear-Baiting and I didn't know what It was,so I looked it up. It's crazy stuff, noble people tortured bears in England. They are always tripping over there.




The clip I heard "Bear Baiting".

The first thing that ran inside my brain was the idea that I discovered a new totem for the day. I wonder what it means. I wonder what the totem is trying to tell me.

The keywords for a bear are leadership,solitary,healer, grandfather,peace, and warmth. There are a billion other meanings that I can't think of write now, but I hope to learn the BEAR lesson and incorporate its teachings into my life. It's going to be rough since I have too many addictions and projects that I am thinking of, starting, but not completing. I swear I have to be more productive some how.



We will see. I'm off to go to the gym for an hour or so, play Tera for a couple of hours, then sort the videos and pictures I took over the weekend. I might spend all night sorting through pictures. I need to go back into my memories. Maybe watch Princess and the Frog tonight.

The Annoyances

It's Chinese New Year in Asia and it's a time for families to get together and do their thing. I haven't seen my family in two years. I know they miss me and I miss them sometimes. The reason I say sometimes, it's only because they have given me such a hard time in this life and I just rather be by myself then to be around such angry, envious, and drama filled souls. I don't know what their problem is sometimes. On the other hand, I do miss being around people that I grew up with, share blood with. My mother and I were the best of friends until our little incident that got me to become more of an independent person, relying on myself for love and support. My sister usually talks to me jokingly, either she is asking something from me, or lies and tells me that she will send me a package. She never does, my parents say the same thing but nothing ever comes. It's just lost hope or they are either robotic people that just say things just because they are programed to say it. I'm wondering if they have a conversation with a friend, asking what my whereabouts are and then they realize that I am actually in a foreign country. I'm usually tempted to send something to my family but I feel I'll just be feeding their greed.



I'm no where angry with them as I was 2 years ago. And can you believe that people I talk to about this situation say I don't have a right to be angry with them just because they are my family members, but they can be upset with me just because I am running my life. It's been a long time since I've had a family dinner. I don't go to other families houses that much anymore because I think about how fake families are probably with one another. :(. I hate fake and phony things. For life to be as real as it is, why do so many fake things exist. How do people fuel their lives with the superficial.

The simplest things I do to connect with them is by sending them emails. That's as simple as I can get with them or I'll just feel horrible sending my hard earn money to them in the form of gifts. They ingrained the idea in me that I still owe them for being born into their family. How horrible is that to say to a young kid. I'm 26 and I still haven't gotten over that Idea. I wouldn't mind paying them back, if were a bit more peaceful.

The plus side of all this. I've grown to become a stronger person. I do not know how to say No to people sometimes. I am one of the biggest flirts on the planet. I'm addicted to social networks. I love video games and writing. The most annoying people are those that try to quote so many books and bible verses, instead of using their own brains and experience to convey their information. I had to leave so many things behind to start a new. It's not that I left it behind. It's just I decided to move forward , to experience a new lifestyle.

Lately, I've been feeling out of touch with life and my soul. I am usually into deep philosophical things. Lately, I've been just having "surface" conversations with people that lead to no where. I do initiate conversations knowing this but I do wish for something deeper sometimes. I just don't know where to go sometimes. When I do meet someone that is supposing philosophical, they try to act like Mr. or Ms. know it all. I did meet someone that is just as free spirit as I am, she seems to be a little more community oriented, while I am more self-oriented and can only cater too so many people. I do know people communicate with me whenever they need someone to cheer them up, making me feel like a clown sometimes.



There was an incident where a girl's boyfriend had dumped her and she just started talking to me out the blue demanding that I'd give her, her horoscope. I am the type of person that is always willing to share my knowledge on astrology and nutrition. She was a little brute when asking me to cheer her up. Like a queen that demands a fool to make her laugh or she'll chop off his head. I hate that I have the right words to say to people to help them move on. I guess, I just envy those people that have a friend like me. When I don't really have one like that around. People often turn on me to quickly too. :( The same people with those messed up lives, shout at me when I don't want to talk to them. I don't have those types of experiences that much anymore but I still have people creep back into my life that, saying whatever they want to say.. to try to help me.. when I am the expert at helping them. :P They come and go, disappear again. It's not like I look forward to these people sticking around. They grow dependent on me for some thing or another. I am a big fan of give and take.. I do sometimes do more of the taking but I think I am a naturally warm person giving off more warmth than I take in.

I do want to say that I am not depressed. I'm such an optimistic person, I never really give myself time to talk about the things that try to put my fire out. I am glad I write and able to dump these thoughts onto paper, so I can have room in my head for better thoughts. Going with the flow has always been my forte, I wonder If I'll ever change and actually grip on to a future. I've always been out of the ordinary and think that the heavens has a plan for me. The things that I want I usually don't get because I'm so impulsive, I just grab the closet thing, but I never have any regrets. Live and Learn. What I think I want, I don't really need. The things I need are not usually what I think I need. I hope that came out right. In other words. The MYSTERIES of life is always placing things in my path that gives me AHA moments and I'm tearing,knowing this is exactly what I need in my life to get to the next step... but to where you know?




I'm slowly becoming an empty vessel. I am slowly not myself. I've become addicted to face book. Addicted to video games. I don't give myself time to think anymore. I even have petty arguments with old friends on face book. Maybe blog spot should be the thing I am addicted to because it actually helps me and I feel a bit more un-revealed as I am on facebook.

The other day I found out I was either deleted by people I known for a while. I got offended when I some how found out. I actually don't know how I found out, but it was in my face that people I was searching for weren't showing up. So I must of got blocked. I wondered what I did wrong. But I decided not to sweat it, they were not really friends anyway. That's when I told myself that I am too addicted to facebook.I'm not as bad as others but I do know it's not the end of the world if Facebook gets blown away. It'll just make me have to be in Korea much more than I am. I feel like I am still in America sometimes instead of a foreign country.



When I do experience Korea a little more. I've found that a bunch of people want to make their way into my life, rude ass people by getting too close to me. One guy took me to the wrong home plus in the taxi, making me pay too much. Others like to stand all on my back a the ATM. I'm the only one seeing that as a problem. The ATMS were all full and people with their neurotic brains just couldn't sit still and relax and wait. It was actually funny to observe, since I was all chill with my ipod on.


The face book incident, I'm not sweating. It's not good for me sometimes. I need to start studying things and limit my internet time more than usual. I probably will find a little more solace in life.

I have so much useful and creative energy that I waste it. I've decided to truly eat healthy after my vacation and maybe even start modeling again. I do want to model with sexy women since BEAUTY is my theme. I love beautiful things and my name means "Beauty" and "GRACE". So I hope that I will continue to be strong through my loneliness at times. I don't relate to anyone these days. I probably psychologically imprisoned myself, which isn't a good thing. I'm just too damn picky sometimes. It'll never change, I'm even hesitant about visiting certain people because how they keep their space. Mine is usually always clean smelling good. Thanks to my mom's obsessive cleaning habits, I've inherited the same trait.

My goal these days is to write so that my dreams will come back. When I reveal my feelings on paper like this. The Angels channel their message into me through dreams. I love dreams. I don't have them anymore since I'm drowning my mind with useless conversations, games, and the will to not do anything outside my comfort zone, which is actually pretty big.


In the end. I just want to be strong. A strong individual relying on his on strength to tackle future problems. To looked up to by many.To be brilliant!. A world of fantasy. I know I need a show, anime, or something to just Mess up my mind psychologically. My brain is much better, when it's chewing on something for long periods of times. It's just been getting fed things other than that.

I guess I'm just annoyed today. I hope my weekend is not boring. My true intentions were to write something else, but I wasn't feeling it today.

(I'm actually taking the effort to re-read and edit my blogs before I post them, I heard that it was rude to post your blogs without proof-reading and editing. They are extensions of my self.) I'm not an expert in writing but I try. :).

I need a hobby, activities, clothes,shoes, and anything that fits. :(. I'm sort of feeling down today.

Too tired (I'll edit tomorrow, I promise!!)

Re Birth

Re Birth

I've decided to re-emerge my blog from the darkness that I've kept it in from mere neglect.
I've been away from it for some time now and I learned a lot about myself and I expect to write here as often as possible.

The Signs

These are just notes for myself.

November 16,2009 is the day of the new moon. I just so happens to browse on a site that let me know that today is a moon of new happenings. Just as I clicked on a Moon Phases site, I noticed a stink bug on the curtains in my house.

This is the message of the stink bug.These are insects in plant-disguise, animals with the appearance of a plant. Analogically you are a spiritual presence in human disguise, a species belonging to one of nature's realms but with the looks of another. you have the ability to go unnoticed, or, to move from one realm to the other.

As a totem these animals can teach you how to go about your own things without being hindered by the opinions of the outside world. An invitation to search inside for who you really are, and what talents you may have to develop.

So is the universe inviting me to understand my true self just a little bit more? Who am I? Why am I searching? I just bought a book by Carl Jung titled "Modern Man in search of a soul". Is the new moon the great energy to help me search for my immortal soul that I seek. :P

I also decide to look up the story of Marduk. There is a character on Tekken 6 named of Marduk that I played with just before researching this guy. How interesting everything unfolds from mere intuition and thoughts. What am I?

Mind Dive

I dove into my mind a little bit just to see what's going on. Why do I feel stressed even though I am living an ideal life right now. Hardly any stress, warm clothes, food, and shelter.

My bills are practically paid for just by working at this new job teaching English in Korea.

During the mind dive I focused on why I feel scattered. I tend to organize my thoughts and put them in to glass boxes and observe them. In the fun box I saw random things like going on adventures, playing video games, and drawing. I notice that these fun filled activities weren't finished though. The drawings had missing pieces and the video games weren't played to the last level. Yea, maybe my lack of grounded-ness and being mentally scattered is affecting some of my happiness for now, but it'll get better through time

Then I had a random thought session. I saw a glass with beads of water next to it. A fly was trying to get in but it couldn't. This fly wasn't an ordinary fly but it had sparkling wings. This visual only lasted for a few seconds.

I had another visual of being surrounded by several layers of glass. The room was completely white and empty but the sun was in the sky. I don't know why I was in this glass but the warmth of the sun kept me sane in that box.

Afterwards,I saw my self in a tiny room where the real grass covered the floor in a complete white room. I felt the soft grass under my feet while wearing pajamas pants. How comfortable!

So after analyzing my thoughts I feel confined a little but still feel warm inside. I know that the sun is always shinning and there is many new experiences out there for me. I may put myself in these see through glasses, they will easily break with a nice kick or punch. I will be ok, I've always been ok. I just have to place pleasant thoughts into my head. It's going to be a long winter.

I often wish a woman with a gorgeous voice would just sing to me and sing to me often.

That's all. It's not as poetic as I want it to be but I guess this will do. At least I am writing a little again. :D

Meditation Blog 1

Tonight I decided to meditate under the waning moon/full moon.

I sat out at the pier next to the sea. The sea sparkled into the horizon and the moon shined brightly. During my meditation or visions I asked for focus from my animal spirits,planets, and moon. I grounded to the earth and visualized protect
ion from the water spirits. Waves protected me from any spirits that would disturb me during this self-activation period.

Just before closing my eyes, a rooster crowed and it's voice could be heard miles away. Rooster's have been sending me messages the past two days lately.The call of the rooster let me know that I was at the right place at the right time.


What I saw as my eyes closed was a woman that recongnized as my spirit mother. She told was very beautiful and her body was outlined by the light of the moon and her eyes were without pupils.

She floated towards me from a pitch black place as her white hair dangled in the wind while and gave me a big hug. She told me that before I could start anything , was to know that I was loved. It was the most important thing before any thing else could take place.

She gently placed her arms around me and I cried on her shoulders and told her thanks. She told me that she was my true mother and she'd always be right beside me guiding me into the right directions. I could only cry during the visualization and feel the protection of being guided by my soul mother or moon lit mother.

That is all I needed and I was told to slow down, relax, and not to push myself. I've made it and there isn't anything to prove to anyone on this planet. I came to enjoy, relax, and be the artist that I am. To see what beautiful life I can develop during this time.

Later on she turned into a white tiger and then a dolphin. I am guessing these are the spirits that followed along beside her to guide me to my paradise.

The Noble, The White Haired Wise Clan.

I found this a little later.

Feel Alive

Today I feel really alive. My spiritual guides, animal guides,and everyone has sent me a lot of energy and guidance. It's very overwhelming but I do want to mark this day where I feel more at peace than I ever been before. :D

Adios,
Light